Our first conversation in over a month:

Him: You can't do this...i refuse to let your friendship go away too.

Me: What do you mean?
I don't know what else to do. Just because I'm over you doesn't mean it doesn't hurt knowing what happened and what was lost without ever really knowing why. I don't know how else to go about it.

Him: Well. Might as well try.

Me: Why?

Him: Cuz otherwise I'm wasting a great friendship with someone who knows everything about me and I still trust. Why not?

Me: Because it hurt what you did and you can't take that away. Because I was seriously vulnerable and I might've done something really stupid because of it. Because now everything that goes wrong just adds on to it. I don't know how not to be angry about that.

Him: I'm not asking you to not be mad. Just try to move past it. I don't care how long it takes. I'll wait...

Me: Why? I still don't get why at all.
It's seriously been a month since we've even looked at each other. Why do you all of the sudden want to be friends now?

Him: I've been giving you space. Cuz I know exactly how you feel.

Me: How do you know how I feel? Cuz you've been dumped before? That doesn't mean you know how I feel. Everything happened all at once. My grandma died, our spanish teacher died, my coach died, you dumped me, now my stepdad's losing his job. Everything's happening at once. You don't know how that feels.

Him: Ok. I was trying to say something helpful...

Me: Sorry, forgive me if I'm a little begrudging. I just don't know what to think right now.

Him: Believe me, I have no reason not to forgive you after what I did.

Me: It just caught me off guard. I never would've expected that. Especially not then.

Him: I'm sorry.

Me: No you're not. Sorry implies regret. You don't regret what you did. You'd never change it. Neither would I. I'm stronger because of it. But don't pretend you're sorry. And don't feel bad for me.

Him: I am sorry.

Me: How

Him: I feel bad for what I did. And you're right, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't do something that selfish.

Me: I don't know. It's hard to look at you. It sounds horrible, but it honestly is.

Him: Not the first time I've heard that...

Me: I didn't mean it like that. I just mean.. I don't know. I don't have great coping skills. So trying to forget is how I cope. So it's easier not to see you.

Him: Okay...

Me: How would we even be friends anyway?

Him: By being mature about this.

Me: I don't know.

Him: Was it worth it?

Me: Yeah, I regret how we ended, but I don't regret what we had.

Him: It was fun while it lasted.

Me: Yeah I guess. I don't know, it's weird. I don't miss you, but I seriously miss having someone put his arm around me and telling me that everything's going to be okay.

Him: Thanks.....

Me: What?

Him: That made me feel kind of bad.

Me: Well you told me to move on right? So I did.

Him: Yeah. How's that going? Just curious.

Me: I don't know, okay. I've turned into a prostitute, though, because my self-esteem plumeted so now I sell my body for money and superficial approval.

Him: Sounds like a good time

Me: It isn't. I have sex with middle-aged men looking for a father figure that I never had, and I contracted HIV which will hopefully turn into AIDS that I will slowly die from.

Him: So you wanna die now?

Me: No, but I'm going to anyway so might as well go out with a bang....ha, sex joke...

Him: So prostitution...Didn't see that coming

Me: Ha yeah, I know. Guess I just don't care anymore. Guess I'm utterly lost without you just like you told me I'd be.

Him: Did you say all of that just to say that one thing at then end??

Me: Yep. Pretty creative, huh?

Him: Yes. To be honest it made me laugh.

Me: That's good, it made me laugh too, but that's probably due to the fact that I've developed a relatively dark sense of humor recently.

[small talk to an extent]

Him: I'm depressed.

Me: Why?
Oh, because you're lonely and in love with your best friend and keeping it to yourself forever even though she likes someone else, that's it. Makes sense I guess. {I only know this because he told this to my sister earlier}
Okay, I know you're asleep but ignore what my sister said and don't you dare tell anyone or I'll castrate you. {In reference to the fact that she told him who my new almost-crush is}

So what do I do, fellow deviants? Hold a grudge for the rest of my life against the first guy I ever truly loved who then decided to break my heart into a million tiny pieces? Or do I swallow my pride and become friends like I promised even though he's already broken so many promises. I need some advice...